Nathaniel

Dear Nathaniel,

We had a hot dog party for you tonight. Some day soon you’ll understand your daddy’s obsession with the Pigeon books - you can thank My Jessika for that. Although, I guess now she is your Jessika too. I don’t mind sharing her with you. I don’t mind sharing anything with you. Anyway, we had a party tonight because a week ago today you turned our lives upside down. Happy Birthday!

You have captured my heart in a way I had never imagined possible. I think it is fair to say that you’ve captured your daddy’s heart far more than anyone could have imagined. We both find ourselves just gazing at you. We’ve become those people. Those people who take turns sleeping with you, with the loner reminding the other that it is most definitely their turn next. In fact, the only reason I have time to sit here is because your daddy claimed you and is fast asleep in your nursery with you on his chest. We’re the same with feeding you. “It’s my turn.” “No, it’s mine.” Little Man Nate, we actually clap for your poopy diapers. As Daddy says while clapping your feet together, “Let’s put our feet together for poopy diapers!”

It didn’t start out this way. In the beginning we weren’t sure you were going to stick around. Different doctors told us different things and different ultrasounds showed different results. All the while I sort of blocked you as a complete person out of my consciousness. I was afraid you weren’t going to be and it was easier to wait for the bad news at the next appointment. Each appointment found you growing. And growing. And growing. As an aside, when it’s time for college tuition you should ask me to tell you how I gained thirteen pounds of water weight in the last six days of my pregnancy.

While we were driving to the hospital last week to meet you, I told your daddy that I never thought we’d get this far. He said he did. As they wheeled me into the operating room, I said that I never thought we’d get this far. When they hollered out that they had a shoulder and then a head, and my how much hair! I repeated that I never thought we’d get this far.

They told your daddy that he could go over and meet you, and for the briefest of seconds I felt his grip loosen on my hand. However his love for me is so strong and his urge to protect me is so great he didn’t want to leave me in the middle of surgery and he held me even tighter. I told him I was in good hands and he should go meet you because I never really thought we’d get this far.

Ultimately, he did let go of my hand and he went over to meet you. You changed him instantly. In a single moment he became the most natural and loving father I’ve ever met. He is deeply involved in every aspect of your being. And I’m not kidding about clapping for poopy diapers. As you get older I know you’ll agree with me that you could not have been given a better father.

After the surgery they rolled me into our recovery room and there you were. There were some minor complications and my mind immediately jumped to the fact I knew we were never going to get this far. Everyone said things were going well and yet each day in the hospital I would awake with you in my arms and think to myself I never thought we’d get this far.

You’ve given us more than your fair share of scares this past week. What with the low blood sugars in the beginning to the severe jaundice after being released from the hospital to our evening struggles with feeding. How come you’ll feed wonderfully during the daylight hours, but as soon as the sun goes down you won’t latch to save your life? Literally. It’s time to step it up in the eating and weight gaining department, Mister. Each hurdle we cross I think to myself that I never thought we’d get this far.

Then tonight, after toasting you with hot dogs and a Twinkie with a birthday candle (Again, a story we should discuss later, but your mommy is one generation removed from cracker) I realized that while I never thought we’d ever get this far I am so very glad that we have. All the pain of the last month or three of pregnancy was worth it. All the fear I carried for months was worth it. Lugging around all nine pounds and ten ounces of you was worth it. The fact that after giving birth to you my ankles are now swollen to the size of my calves is worth it. Or that I can’t feel my finger tips and haven’t been able to for months now. Still worth it.

I made myself a promise tonight. As you’ll be our only child I am going let go of my fears and I am going to relish everything about you. Even the latching thing – although, really could you please, please, please, for the love of all that is holy feed after dark? You’re not really a gremlin, you know. And while I enjoy the six and seven hour stretches of sleep at night the pediatrician says it’s very, very bad. So stop.Each of your firsts will also be lasts for your daddy and me and we promise to take each to heart. Not an easy promise since my heart is so full for you already that it actually hurts to I think of how much I love you. You are my perfect love. My son.

Love,
mommy